Was DUMB, now DERANGED!
by Tifa H
Summary: Exactly as the title says. :) (Best if read at 2-4a.m.) PLEASE DON'T FLAME ME GUYS! I TRY SO HARD!


Ok, this goes for all my stories, I DON'T OWN FF CHARACTERS! Eventhough I   
would love to, I don't K!!? Got it? ? Ok, I wrote this story with ALL the characters,   
well, outta character! You would probably never see the kind of stupid behavior portraid   
here in any of the original characters….So here we go!!  
* * ** *****  
  
Cloud: Hey Aeris!  
  
Aeris: What?  
  
Cloud: someone got a little attitude?  
  
Aeris: shut up fruitcake.  
  
Cloud: ???????  
  
Cloud: well alrighty then, I can see that I'm not wanted here.....I am going to call   
everyone to see if they want to go to the 7th Heaven and have a couple drinks. You   
wanna come.  
  
Aeris: is Tifa gonna be there?  
  
Cloud: well....ya  
  
Aeris: Damn  
  
(Cloud leaves the room and starts calling everyone)  
* * *  
Cid:hold on my phone is ringing. Ya? What the #$^% do you want? Ummm hold on. Hey   
guys should I tell him we are already here?  
  
Sephiroth: NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: if you want  
  
Red XII: Its only right  
  
Barret: What the?!?!?! You want that dweeb runnin round here?  
  
Red Xll: I was trying to be nice  
  
Tifa: I don't really give a rats a$$  
  
(Yuffie walks in)  
  
Tifa: well $%^#...things couldn't get worse...so say your home and your not leaving  
  
Cid: Ok...Cloud, ya..I have some work I need to do on the Tiny Bronco, since you busted   
the $hit out of it...  
  
(on other line)  
Cloud: Ok well then see ya later I guess  
(Hangs up)  
Cloud: thats strange  
Aeris:what..that he doesnt want to hang out with you??? Doesnt sound Unusual to me.  
Cloud: Ok well Ill try everyone else then  
* * *  
Vincent: Thats Cloud Ill bet  
Rude:Your on  
Vincent: I was only kidding. Hello? Hi Cloud. No I dont feel well today. ok Ok   
OK...BYE  
Yuffie: Gawed  
Barret: persistant little bastard huh?  
Cid: yep  
* ** *  
Cloud: mmmmm  
* ** *  
Barret :He shouldnt call me, I told him I was on vacation so I didnt have to go with him a   
couple days ago to the water park. The new one  
(Sephiroth's mobile phone rings)  
Sephiroth: Well looky here!? Helloooooo......I am Facia  
Cid: what the?  
Sephiroth: NO I WILL NOT HANG OUT WITH YOU!!!!!  
(hangs up with pissy/pouty girlish look on his face)  
* * *  
Cloud: what an a$$H*le  
************  
Sephiroth: now thats how you do it!  
Vincent: Oh shut up  
Cid: well at least I eat my chocobo nuggets with wark sauce!  
Seph: you see this masamune?  
Cid: and VIncent:yaaaaaaaa............  
Reno: your gonna get it  
Seph: Ill shop them off  
(Vincent steps back)  
Cid: Realllllyyyy  
Seph: try me  
Cid: Go on smart a$$ AND DO IT!!!  
Seph: thats it!  
(Seph kicks Cid in the butt really hard)  
Cid: YYYYYYAAAAAWWWWWEEEEEEEE.....yikes you said you were gonna chop   
em off!  
Seph: I didnt lie  
(Seph slices with his masamune)  
Cid:what the!? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
(Seph laughing histarically)  
Vincent: Oh My GOD  
Cid: WHY YOU...YOU ....LAURANA BOBBIT!!!!!!  
(Reno jumps into Tsengs arms)  
Reno: It moved!  
* * *  
Cloud: well no one else picked up their phone.I think I am just gonna go say hi  
Aeris: sure  
Cloud: Come on  
Aeris: WHAT?! no  
Cloud: LETS GO NOW!  
Aeris: why what are you gonna do to me?  
Cloud: something you wont like in your sleep  
(perverted smile)  
Aeris: Im COMING!  
* * *  
Cid:AHHHHHHHHHHHHH SH*^  
(Seph still laughing histarically)  
Seph: I....ITS....................ITS......ITS NOT........ITS NOT REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Cid: YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!  
(Cloud and Aeris walks in)  
Cloud: What the(Looks up and sees Reno in Tsengs arms wimpering about something   
winking at him. Cid holding onto his crotch, Sephiroth on the floor laughing holding a   
fake wienie)  
Cloud: a fake wienie!?!?!?!?!  
Aeris: whats wrong, never seen one of those before?  
Cloud: Im not a girl  
Aeris: Wait a min…  
Cloud: Seph...are you gay?  
(All laughter stops)  
(Sephiroth still standing there with the rubber wienie, Cid still convinced its his)  
Sephiroth: NO!!!! What are you nuts?  
Vincent: If thats the case you better run Cloud!!  
(Sephiroth chucks the rubber wienie at Vincent but misses and hits Reno whom is still in   
the arms of Tseng quivering)  
Reno: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!It touched me!  
(Tseng drops Reno and runs for cover, hiting Tifa as she was comeing out of the kitchen)  
Tifa:what is all the noise about? OHHHH my god. Someone put that thing away before   
someone gets hurt, and not by the wienie.  
(Tifa raises spatuala)  
Everyone shuts up accept for Sephiroth who is still in the floor cracking up. Tifa walks   
over and kicks him in the gut.  
Tifa: Now everyone sit down and party!!  
Sephiroth: ya… I think  
Cloud: now why didn't anyone tell me that everyone was here?  
Vincent:...........  
Cid:................  
Barret:.............  
RedXll:............  
Seph:..........cause.....  
Tifa: We didnt want you here  
Cloud: thanks  
Tifa: sure  
Cloud: Tifa..?  
Tifa: what?  
Cloud: can I have a martini?  
Tifa: no  
Cloud: huh?!  
Sephiroth: no....This is how you do it  
(Sephiroth looks at tifa and does the coolest little smirk possible)  
Seph: Tifa????  
Tifa: Yes?!?!?!?  
Seph: can I please have a double martini on the rocks with a twist please?  
Tifa: Sure! Anything for you  
Seph: See  
Cloud: Let me try.  
(Cloud examines everone in the room until he spots Aeris in the corner staring at him   
with one eye closed. It appeared that she was pinching Sephiroth's head off in her own   
dream world.)  
Aeris: what do you want?  
Cloud: can I have a glass of water?  
Aeris: EWWEEEE........GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!!!!!!!!  
Cloud: It works for you!  
Seph: Its not easy...ya know how long it took me to get her to do that?  
Cloud: How long?  
Seph: well that doesnt matter......the point is that you arent good at that, your an ugly   
punk!  
Cloud: well, Ill try Tifa  
Seph: no chance.  
Cloud: huh?  
Seph: Well Ive got some convincing I need to do  
Cloud: convincing?  
Seph: ya! Ohhh...well I have to try to get Tifa to do something for me.  
Whoops....that slipped  
Cloud: you $#%#$%%#$!$#$^%*^&*$!#@%^*^&   
Seph: I heard that.....  
Oh, and Cloud? THATS NOT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!  
Cloud: oh....  
* * *  
(Tifa and Vincent sit at the bar, they had just finished a staring contest, which Vincent, as   
you have probably guessed, won.)  
Tifa: Vincent, why do you insist on puting my hand in warm water while I'm sleeping?   
you know that will make anyone wet the bed...  
Vincent: Heh heh heh...oh right, after you TPed my coffin, put garlic in my coffee,   
bleached my cape white, AND orderd 400 pizzas to my house, only for me to pay for   
them!!?! You expect me to be nice to YOU!!?!  
Tifa: But...  
Vincent: Ahhh!!! Dont interupt me, my arm has been replaced by a claw by a mad   
scientist,I lost my only true love, I helped save the planet, and I still wasn't included in   
the ending for my viewing, AND I have this huge stain in my pants!!  
Tifa: Well I can see that, BUT you are supposed to say, "Of course Tifa! Not even I, the   
strange little vampire  
Could be mean to the super cool martial artist! By the way, can I buy you   
some new jewelery?' Then I'm supposed to say, 'Why Vincent, diamonds?'   
Vincent:. right...I'm not a vampire.  
(Tifa roles her eyes and stares into the distance until a strange look crossed her face)  
Tifa: OH CRAP!!!  
Vincent: WHAT WHAT!!  
Tifa: I foregot to get Sephs 'On Golden Pond' movie that he begged me for all last   
night!!! Whoops, that was supposed to stay between us....  
Vincent: OH NEW HEADLINE!!!! 'LOCAL MORON STRUCK BY ON GOLDEN   
PONDACITIS'  
Tifa: Don't you dare Vincent!!!  
(Tifa picks up a chair and hits Vincent across the face with it)  
Vincent: Good deal....  
(Vincent passes out on the floor)  
(A thump is heard outside the door)  
Tifa: Vincent! Did you hear that!!  
Vincent: .............  
Tifa: dead blood got yer toungue?  
  
* ** *  
(Sephiroth walks into the living room with everyone except for Tifa , and Vincent)  
Yuffie: (Snicker)  
Cid: Hey 'Golden' man!  
Sephiroth: ?!  
Cloud: (snicker)  
Sephiroth: hey,has anyone seen Tifa?  
Barret: We can't seem to be able to find Vincent either  
Yuffie: (louder snicker)  
Cid: perv....  
(Tifa walks in)  
Cloud: Hey Tifa!  
Seph: Tifa! Did you get what I wanted?  
Yuffie: (Laughing histarically)  
Tifa: Ya, I got it out of Clouds drawer...  
Cloud: AHHHH! Stay out of there, what did you take?  
Seph: that's none of yer god damned business!  
Barret: Tifa, where is Vincent?  
Tifa: Roach patrol...  
Cid: So he's in the kitchen?  
(Tifa flips Cid off)  
* ** *  
(Vincent sits up)  
Vincent: man I need some fruit...(foregets he is human, and not bat)  
****  
Reno: AHH! Aeris what in the hell are you doing?  
(Aeris is digging through the chocolate)  
Aeris: scouting!  
Reno: oh...I need something with long legs, ya know sexy....  
Aeris: (blinks a couple of times) You need dark moose...  
Reno: Thanks  
(Aeris hands over a pack of dark moose chocolate legs)  
Reno: mm..........mmmm...better  
****  
(Yuffie is standing outside the kitchen door)  
Reno: MMMMMMM!!!  
Aeris: MMMMMM.....OH YA  
Reno: WOW! That was awesome!  
Aeris: I'm ready again!  
Reno: Hit me baby!  
Aeris: how's that!  
Reno: Mmmmmm...I like that.  
Yuffie: eeewwwee, in the kitchen...on the table?!?!? i'm never eating in there again!  
Reno: Wow, you really hit the spot that time!  
Aeris: Hmm...I'm stuffed.  
Reno: Did I pump enough of that.....(Yuffie is so grossed out she leaves) ......chocolate   
inta ya?!  
****  
Yuffie: runs in the living room) You guys! Reno and Aeris are doin' it!  
RedXIII: Where?!   
Yuffie: In the kitchen!  
Cid: EWWE!!!!  
Yuffie: Come on!  
( They come in the Kitchen. Reno has brown stuff all over his mouth and Aeris has white   
stuff all over her mouth)  
Cid: (barfs)  
Barret: WoW! Somebody got a little too into the parallel refreshment...  
Cid: Thats gross you guys...  
(Thay all leave)  
Aeris: Whats wrong, they never seen people eating white and dark chocolate?  
****  
(in main bar)  
Tseng: (watching Rude put down more Bacardi than any other human being) Rude, you   
need to get a life man.  
Rude: Why do you say that..I got me boozzzzz here, my man here and this little   
annoying thing in my pants that is poking me in the butt.....  
(Rude passes out)  
Tseng: (takes bottle of alchohal out of Rude's hand and starts chuggin')  
Tseng: what a life...  
****  
3 hours later...  
Rude: Where am I?  
(sees Reno)  
Rude: hell...thats wher I am  
Reno: Rise and shine Q ball! Baldy! Mr. Clean!  
Rude: What's you obsession with my hair?  
Reno: The fact that its not there!(Reno was beeming, due to the chocolate he had only   
hours before)  
Rude: Oh shove it.  
Tseng: Yay no more bullet pionts!  
Reno: right...  
Rude: oh ya   
********************  
Reno: I'm guessing Tifa is writing this for no apparent reason, so I'll help her actually   
find a topic to write about. Seph...no Rude, hmmmm, I know! We could call it 'Rogain'!   
I think it would be a hit! We'll try it.  
Tifa: hmmmm...no. I think we need some help from Aeris. I'll wait untill this weekend   
for her perverted knowledge!  
Reno: Now thats what i'm TALKIN' BOUT!!  
**********  
  
Rude waddled down the stairs, "Wow, my butt hurts."  
*****************  
Reno: And that's the end of our perverted story!  
Tifa: .........wow.....  
Aeris: That was nuthin'!  
Cloud: myaaa  
Rude: That was gay  
Tseng: lets make a 'gay' story!  
Tifa: one with Reno and Tseng.....  
Reno\Tseng: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
**************************  
Tseng knocked on Reno's hotel room. "Come on Reno! We gotta new mission   
and you're already fuckin' it up!" Tseng could hear Reno jumping from his voice.  
"Uhhh...come in...I guess." Reno jumped from his bed and pulled on his pants.   
Tseng opend the door and plopped down on a near by chair. Reno zipped up his fly and   
headed to the bathroom in search of his shirt.   
Something about Reno just turned on Tseng, was it the .......  
  
Tseng:AHH HELL NO!! (CRASH''''BOOM'''')  
  
END OF STORY  



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